6 crucial conversations every parent must have with their teenager

Adolescence – a significant and transformative period in a child’s life, marked by profound physical, emotional, and psychological changes. It is a time of transition from childhood to adulthood, characterized by rapid growth, self-discovery, and the exploration of one’s identity. While it can be an exciting and promising phase, adolescence can also create havoc for many teenagers, not to mention their parents.

Having had one such conversation this morning with a friend who was experiencing stress and concern over her teen’s mood swings, took me back just a few years ago when I went through a similar challenging time with my boys. I vividly remember the frustration and sense of helplessness that accompanied those moments. It seemed like no matter what I said or how hard I tried, I couldn’t make them understand my point of view or feel understood by them. It felt as if we were living in two different worlds, speaking two different languages, with an invisible wall separating us.

Coaching was a life saver during that challenging phase. The knowledge I gained and the new skills I developed as a certified coach not only helped me become more aware of my own needs and emotions but also transformed the way I interacted with my children. Based on these skills plus my experience dealing with my own kids and working with secondary school children in a pastoral role, I am sharing these six crucial conversations that you as a parent must have with their teen.

1. Active Listening: Give your teenager your full attention by putting away distractions such as phones. Maintain eye contact and show genuine interest in what they are saying. Pay attention to not only to the words being said, but also the underlying emotions, the non-verbal cues. Avoid jumping to conclusions or interrupting before they finish expressing themselves. Create a non-judgmental space where they feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and emotions without fear of criticism.
2. Boundaries and Relationships: Discuss the importance of setting personal boundaries, respecting others’ boundaries, and the consequences of crossing them, as they navigate their friendships, romantic relationships and online connections. Help them understand the importance of taking responsibility for their choices and actions, both at home and in their wider lives. Discuss the importance of mutual respect, communication, consent, and recognizing signs of unhealthy or abusive relationships.
3. Self-Identity and Self-Worth: Help your teenager explore and develop their sense of self-identity and self-worth. Discuss their strengths, passions, and values, and encourage them to embrace their unique qualities, no matter how different they might be from others. One way to do this is by sharing your own experiences as a teenager, the joys and the struggles, the more open and vulnerable you are, the more you will receive from your teen.
4. Financial Literacy and Responsibility: Discuss the importance of understanding money management, saving, and budgeting. Teach them about the value of money and the consequences of financial decisions. Help your teenager develop financial goals and encourage them to make informed choices about their earnings, expenses, and savings.
5. Building crucial Life skills: Guide your teenager in developing effective life skills that will help them navigate the challenges and responsibilities of independent living. Discuss topics such as time management, organization, basic cleaning and culinary skills. Time management strategies, such as prioritizing tasks, setting goals and maintaining a healthy balance between school, work, and personal activities. Organizational skills, including maintaining a calendar, managing deadlines, and keeping their living space tidy and organized. Introduce basic cleaning and culinary skills that will help them to take care of themselves. Model these skills yourselves to help them emulate.
6. Resilience and problem solving – An extension of life skills, discussing the importance of problem-solving and resilience with your teenager will help navigate challenges and setbacks, preparing them for independent living, as sooner or later they will move away from the safe cocoon of their home. Encourage problem-solving skills by discussing different approaches to solving challenges they may encounter in various aspects of life. Help them learn more about having a growth mindset. Help them understand that they are not supposed to know it all. Teach them to reframe setbacks as learning experiences and to approach challenges with a positive and solution-oriented mindset. Be open and encouraging when things don’t go as per plan. Emphasize that effort and dedication are more important than immediate success.
   
   Having said that, sometimes no matter what you do, there are certain problems that you may not be able to solve as a parent. It can be hard to admit that your teen needs help but instead of waiting for the problems to disappear, do consider seeking professional help. It could be through therapists, counselors or coaches, who can provide an objective perspective, specialized expertise, and tools to navigate specific challenges for both you and your teenager. Remember, seeking professional help does not mean you have failed as a parent. On the contrary, it demonstrates your commitment to your teenager’s well-being and growth.

Remember that conversations with your teenager are a two-way street. Listen and understand their perspective as much as you share and teach. Embrace their individuality and be open to their unique experiences and aspirations. These crucial conversations are opportunities for growth, understanding, and deepening your connection. Approach them with empathy, create a safe, non-judgemental space for expression, and cherish the moments you share.

Today as my older son lives independently in a different country, I take comfort in the knowledge of having had these important conversations him, helping him navigate the complexities of life and become the resilient, compassionate, and independent person he is today.

Photo by Karolina Grabowska: https://www.pexels.com/photo/daughter-listens-to-her-mother-6957234/